Friday, July 20, 2012

Thoughts on this Friday evening

I am (again) back to cloth diapers. We stopped for awhile b/c her old ones were falling apart. I bought more covers and made the inserts. I used the flip system, but I like my own inserts better. The absorbent layers are a hemp fleece, but she has bamboo velour on the top, next to her skin. It's a very pampered bottom, let me tell you. I love love love cloth diapering. So easy, inexpensive, and good for her.

We also recently bought a diaper sprayer, which I attached to our toilet. I don't know how we managed before. Well, I do know HOW, (ugh) I just don't know WHY we went so long without one. I love our sprayer. So much easier and less messy!

I have made a couple purchases lately. The first one was a gently used treadmill. This thing is a beast, but I have been using it regularly, and even enjoying it. (esp not having to run outside in this awful heat!) I have always hated running, but it is getting so much easier. I have a goal of running my first 5K in mid-late September. The second major purchase was a full sized korg keyboard. Most people will give me an eye roll when they read this, but I am really enjoying this. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my traditional upright piano. BUT! I can't play it when the kids are sleeping (which is usually the only time I have to play) and it's so big and heavy I can't move it where I'd like to put it. There are a few other reasons, but there you have it. I now have a piano for sale. ;)

I have been so behind in blogging, emails, texts, you name it. The main reason is because I recently went through another miscarriage. I was 8.5 weeks along, the baby stopped developing at 6-7 weeks. We were surprised to discover this, b/c the initial blood tests looked very promising. Out of all of my miscarriages, this one was by far the most physically painful. Then I quickly realized why: I passed the baby with the sac still intact. I held our baby in the palm of my hand. I must have detached, b/c I felt only numb fascination. Such a surreal moment I have permanently branded in my mind. You know what? I could go on and on about the horrible, crappy parts of miscarriage. B/c truly, it is. But instead I am going to share with you the things I found comfort in, things that were blessings to me. Here it is in no particular order:

1) Lexi learned to say "love you" that week and still says it non-stop.
2) Spooning with Mike throughout the physical pain, or laying nose-to-nose talking. If that's not for better or for worse, I don't know what is. He also brought me breakfast and lunch in bed along with medicine. He gave me foot rubs, back rubs, and took care of the kids for the entire day. He never once complained.
3) Mom listening on the phone at my sad self, voicing the injustices in the world of reproduction.
4) Listening to praise and worship music.
5) Natalie snuggling with me when I couldn't do anything else.
6) Reading my favorite books.
7) Playing piano, it's always been my stress relief.
8) Watching Mike entertain our girls and listening to their laughter, I found myself joining and laughing with them.
9) Understanding and support from our parents. I feel awful we drag them along with us on our rough journey to have children, but they are always there for us. Dorie has spent many hours babysitting so Mike can be with me during ultrasounds. A thousand thank yous.
10) The high-need, physical stage Lexi is in right now. She's still very dependent on (and attached to) me, and that soothes that ache of our loss.
11) Our amazing friends. Those few who knew about our baby (we didn't share with many people) lifted us up in prayer, and continue to do so. Several left text messages, voice mails, and emails just to say, "Hey, I'm here. I'm praying. Let me know if you need anything." Which is just about the best thing you can say when someone you care about is going through something like this. I even received flowers from a group of ladies I've known for almost 7 years now...we've been there for each other through thick and thin.
12) The fact that I got to hold my baby was an incredible blessing. So healing, and I'm grateful I had that opportunity. I never did with the others.
13) Prayer. Lots and lots of open conversation with God around here.
14) Exercise. After I could be active again, I poured myself into the workouts. It helps. I've lost some weight too which makes me friends with the scale again.

The list goes on and on. There is no anger, never has been. No self pity. I may have lost 6 babies, but we have 6 babies in Heaven that we will get to be with for eternity. I have 2 healthy children here, a joyful marriage, friends and family. I am blessed. Beyond what I deserve. God has delivered peace into our lives and it covers the loss, the hurt, the grief. And I just can't help but feel anything other than gratitude.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Locks and rocks

Lexi has discovered she can reach and flip one of our deadbolts.

I re-lock it many times a day after these little fingers get to it.

It has become the last thing I check before I go up to bed at night.

Lexi also makes a habit of being involved when Mike and Natalie are playing wii together.

She comes up behind Natalie and leans on her, until Natalie rocks her back and forth:

This is a rare thing of having them both look at me, smiling!!!

This last time, Natalie really rocked her:

until they fell over in giggles:

...which only started a game of them doing it a dozen more times!

Summer 2012

So far our summer has consisted of:
curly hair:

back yard cookouts:

dentist visit:

trips to lowes:

dog pile:

first tooth fairy visit:

Monnie's birthday:

sleeping in:

mid day naps on the sofa:

birthday party with friends:

tents under the kitchen table:

weight lifting window watching:

 wearing shades:

library trips:

wading pool nerves:

can you see Natalie? (she practically glows in the sunlight :)

pool time:


Jumping to Aunt Abbey:

(love that look!)

drying off:

fuzzy snuggles:

cheap entertainment:

dining outside with family:


brutal hot days:

a perfect play area of Miss Nosy:

Magic house fun:

cool drinks after 8pm:

filling big shoes:

learning Daddy's bad habits:

snuggles with MawMaw:

games with PawPaw:


bridal shower fun with family & friends:

indoor hunting with nerf guns:

her first official cards hat (and another missing tooth!)

monkey climbing:

Sister love:

...and summer is only half over! Whew!