Monday, July 20, 2009

Where We're At:

I wasn't planning on discussing much more about what we're doing right now regarding our losses. However, I have had a few emails the past month and a couple phone calls asking what the "game plan" is. Or why we lost the most recent baby. First of all, I just wanted to say thank you for caring enough to ask. A couple of you apologized if you came off nosy, and I don't feel that way about you at all. I have discussed it on here, so you were just following up. :)

These rest of this entry deals with girly reproductive stuff. Avoid if squeamish or too manly to read:

The last miscarriage could be considered a chemical pregnancy. Conception occurred, but the baby could not implant or if baby did implant, it didn't stick. Bottom line: my progesterone levels are too low to support a baby. The plan was to test everyday for ovulation and start progesterone as SOON as I ovulated so the baby could implant and be supported. Well guess what? I never got a positive ovulation result. This was very frustrating.

So I was put on additional vitamins (more folic acid, B6, and B12--and on a lighter note my hair and nails look great!) We were told not to conceive again until I have had 3 cycles. So that's where we are right now. In the mean time, I have started taking progesterone supplements (my own request to my specialist) to try and restore my body's own levels, as well as help alleviate some of the horrible side effects of having low progesterone. (Ladies, think of the worst PMS you've ever had x10, then extend it for 14 days...every month) This progesterone supplementation has helped me tremendously!! I feel so much better (normal again) and even my anxiety has been non-existent most days. It makes me sad that I've been through all these awful days.

I have also started charting my cycle with my waking temperature so when we start trying again, if the other test doesn't turn positive for ovulation, I'll catch it this way. Are you tired of reading all this yet? Trust me, I would understand. I know way more about all this than I ever cared to.

We are still very optimistic about having more children, although we know that it is all in God's timing. It's the little things that drag me down. I have had four comments in the past 2 weeks from complete strangers, telling me that Natalie needs a sibling, or asking when I'm going to have another. I don't know what to say to these comments. I have fumbled for words, or stayed quiet, and people just repeat themselves. I would love to be honest, but I don't want to make them feel bad, no matter how much their words hurt me. B/c it's not intentional. But then, what is their intention by saying those things? Really? Why does someone say that? So if anyone has a nice way to answer this, without inviting more questions, I'm welcome to suggestions.

The heartache drags on and on with these comments. It's not even the losses that cause the heartache anymore, it's the intense longing for something you can't have right now. There's always the reminders that bring you down too. I have had many friends get pregnant and have babies in the time frame since all this has started. I am genuinely happy for them. Truly, I am. They deserve all the happiness you get from having children. Then I go home and sob because I want it too and grieve all over again for our losses. There are women all over the world who feel this way. Please be careful with your words.

So that is where we are at, physically as well as emotionally.


Tate Family said...

Sarah, I still can't imagine your hurt. :( I wish I could hug you and let you vent away (in person). I know you know God has a plan, but that doesn't sound good enough most days. :( Praying still!

Honsal Family said...

Sarah, whether you know it or not, you are one strong person. Strong in your faith to endure all this and still keep pressing on. I admire that in you. Can't wait to see what all God has for you in the coming years. I mean, just look at Natalie. How awesome is she?!