Friday, August 15, 2008

Where to start?

I've been neglecting our website for quite a while, because I don't know how to put into words all that has been happening. I've also debated about whether or not I should openly discuss our miscarriages. Many people (myself included) feel it's a very private thing to go through. It is much easier for me to type out our experiences on here, than talk about them in person. If you're a friend of mine, you know I haven't taken phone calls in the past 3 weeks. Simply b/c, I don't want to talk about it. However, it shocks me that as painful and common miscarriage are, they aren't discussed. It's very much a hush-hush thing, and that helps no one going through it. It makes you feel very alone, isolated, and hopeless when you feel that others can't relate. So for the chance that someone else going through a miscarriage, or will in the future, I will share our story. This opinion is reinforced by my own experience of only wanting to speak with one friend of mine after this whole ordeal. This is the one person I knew who had a similar experience. She understood and affirmed my feelings. Here goes my attempt:

As I mentioned earlier, we had a 2nd miscarriage a few weeks ago. The night before we found out the baby had died, I was bleeding and I passed 2 clots. I am all too familiar with these symptoms. I have never cried so hard, and pleaded so much in my life. I was nauseated, hanging over the toilet, and desperately crying to God, "please don't do this to us again." over and over. The next morning, the bleeding had stopped again, and I was feeling better that this was just a tear in the placenta or something more minor that required bed rest. I told Mike to stay home and sleep as I went to my apt.

As the baby appeared on the ultrasound screen, I immediately recognized there was no heartbeat. No blood-flow. Nothing. I didn't think it'd happen again. I cried in my doctor's arms, as she assured me we'd figure it out. I left the office, and had to walk back through the waiting room--the sea of pregnant women. I got home and Mike and I cried in each others arms. We spent our last evening with our baby.

This baby was further along than the 1st, so my doctor wanted me to have a d&c. (she was concerned with the size of the baby that I might have trouble delivering at home, and run the risk or hemorrhaging) Medically, everything with the d&c went well. Emotionally, I would go from being very stoic and numb, to weeping. This was off and on for the next several days. I think Mike and I both, were very shocked this was happening again. You just never think anything like this could happen to you. It's a sad wisdom to realize you're not immune from anything in this world. The things you do have control over, aren't the important things in life.

Mike and I had a very important conversation after this where I asked Mike if he was angry about any of it. He said "no", and I said I felt the same way. Not angry, just very sad. We talked a lot longer and just affirmed to each other that we feel loved. Knowing that while we don't understand ANY of this, God is somehow blessing us. He knows what He's doing, and He loves us.

Despite this, I have spent the last three weeks putting on a happy-face around other people so no one would feel uncomfortable, or sorry for me. My days with Natalie have been truly happy times, then she goes to bed and I stop and try to wrap my head around what has just taken place. When Mike leaves for work at night, things get worse. I cry a lot, but worse, my mind won't stop. It won't shut up, I can't get away from it. I can't sleep. I am up until 4am most mornings. Then up again with Natalie the next morning. I am tired. Exhausted. I hate how this has robbed me of being ME. I feel old. I'm 25. Oh God, please take this anxiety away.

I had a follow-up apt this past Tuesday with my doc. My body has healed, and is back to normal. We got a phone call from her yesterday with lab results. Our baby had triploidy. Which, in short, is 3 sets of chromosomes instead of 2 sets. (2 sperm, 1 egg) This is a lethal condition for baby. As I started researching it further, I started reading the list of all the symptoms/birth defects this causes out loud to Mike. When it suddenly dawned on me that God has just given us an enormous blessing, I started to cry. Many of these babies can make it to 20 weeks or more; some make it to be born, only to die shortly after. I couldn't imagine. God has spared us from so much more heartache with the pain of this miscarriage. It is a very humbling experience to have a blessing (which you couldn't possibly have understood at the time) be revealed to you. Esp. when you pleaded with Him against it.

Triploidy is something that is considered a fluke occurrence. There is no increased risk of it happening again. B/c we got a diagnosis for this recent miscarriage, my doc doesn't think it's as necessary to proceed with blood draws to check for clotting disorders. However, I do. Something inside of me feels that we need to push for this, even if it is for peace-of-mind. We still don't know the cause of the first miscarriage. I've explained this, and she is supportive. Blood draws will be done on Monday. If they are negative, I will be happy. If they are positive, I will be happy to have an answer.

Our babies are in Heaven together. This is another source of peace.

That's our story so far.


Anonymous said...

Sarah & Mike,
So glad to read that you have been given an answer by God. He is truly with you and wanting what is best for you too. I am so glad that with all the heartache that you may finally have a place of peace. You continue to be in my prayers.

Jennifer Hawn

HonzCreations said...

I'm so glad that you are finding peace in this. It may not make it any easier to go through, but it does give comfort. I will continue to pray for you and your family.